甘える
Brute forcing difficult words - How to Japanese - January 2023
This is How to Japanese, a monthly newsletter with something about Japan/Japanese and a dash of いろいろ.
日本・日本語： 甘える
When I was on JET, the program set up a language exchange for us one weekend in Aizu Wakamatsu. This was an easy trip for me, as I was living just 45 minutes west in Nishiaizu. Our supervisors dropped us all off at a university in Wakamatsu on Friday afternoon, and we waited in a small lecture hall until our families arrived. When my host mom came with her two toddler daughters, the daughters each took one of my hands and walked me across the lecture hall and out the door to the jealous awws of my fellow JETs.
I sent the family Christmas presents, stayed with them once more the night before catching a bus down to Tokyo one weekend, and sent a few other emails, but unfortunately I lost touch with them pretty quickly after that. (This is a sincere appeal to do what it takes to keep in touch with Japanese friends. It’s almost always worth the effort.)
The couple was younger than many of the people where I was living. They were probably 10-15 years older than me, and we got along well. My host dad was into manga and anime and burned me CDs with some Doraemon episodes on it and a lot of manga.
“Japanese men are all Nobita-kun,” he said to me at one point. “They want someone else to solve all their problems.”
I hadn’t seen much Doraemon at that point, but I could grok what he was suggesting: Doraemon was in charge of cleaning up after Nobita-kun’s antics.
I wasn’t sure if I agreed completely with his blanket statement, but the idea reminded me of 甘え (amae, dependence), a Japanese concept that came up in my language class the year before because of a popular book. I can’t seem to track down the exact book, but it might have been 「甘え」と日本人 (“Amae” and the Japanese) because it was published in 2004 and because the author Doi Takeo literally wrote the book on 甘え (The Anatomy of Dependence, 1971).
I only vaguely remember what we talked about during class, that it overlapped with the idea of 負け犬 (make-inu, “losing dogs”) which took off in 2004 thanks to Sakai Junko’s book 負け犬の遠吠え (The Distant Howl of Losing Dogs), and that I couldn’t really grasp the verb 甘える (amaeru). My mind always seemed to gloss over it and all its variations. I’ve purposefully left it untranslated here because we’ll take a look at the Japanese definition first.
My solution has been “brute force.” Finding example sentences is helpful, but exposure only goes so far. I had to brute force 甘える because it’s complicated in the same way that verbs of giving and receiving are complicated in Japanese. There are multiple actors wrapped up in this single verb, and the grammatical subject of the verb isn’t always the most “active” participant, so it’s counterintuitive to many non-native speakers.
What do I mean by “brute force”?
1. The first step is realizing that you’re not fully understanding something. This is a tough step sometimes.
2. Look up the Japanese definition and dissect it.
3. Diagram simple Japanese sentences that you understand.
4. Proceed to look at these over and over and use them to access and understand other example sentences you encounter.
5. Eventually come to an understanding that you then loathe to translate back into English.
Let’s walk through 甘える and its 他動詞 (tadōshi, transitive) partner 甘やかす (amayakasu).
Here’s the dictionary definition. I’ll give all four, but we’ll really focus on the first two definitions:
１ かわいがってもらおうとして、まとわりついたり物をねだったりする。甘ったれる。「子供が親に―・える」
1. To try to get someone to treat you affectionately by clinging to them and pleading for things. To depend on. 子供が親に甘える.
２ 相手の好意に遠慮なくよりかかる。また、なれ親しんでわがままに振る舞う。甘ったれる。「お言葉に―・えてお借りします」
2. To rely on someone’s goodwill without restraint. Also, to get close to someone and act selfishly. To depend on. お言葉に甘えてお借りします
３ 甘ったるい感じや香りがする。
3. A saccharine/sentimental feeling or aroma.
４ 恥ずかしがる。はにかむ。
4. To be embarrassed. To be shy.
These all feel relatively straightforward, although there are so many concepts wrapped up together, especially the first definition: Someone is acting a certain way toward someone with the goal of having that person treat them a certain way. It’s often impossible to convey in a single English word.
My new favorite website 絵でわかる日本語 (Understanding Japanese Through Pictures) uses an example sentence similar to the dictionary:
娘は父に甘える
The daughter clings to/is dependent on/coaxes gifts out of her father.
Unless you’re doing a translation, it’s almost always best to understand 甘える and purposefully avoid trying to imagine what it would be in English. Just do the Japanese. Why complicate it at this point?
Once we have 甘える down, 甘やかす becomes a lot easier. Here’s the dictionary definition:
甘えるようにさせる。特に、子供をかわいがるあまりにきびしくしつけない。相手が勝手気ままな行動をするのを許す。
To allow someone to 甘える. In particular, doting on children and not being strict enough with them. Permitting someone to act selfishly however they want.
And here’s the example sentence from 絵でわかる日本語:
父は娘を甘やかす
The father allows his daughter to act selfishly and dotes on her.
I feel like the English for this one is a bit easier to simplify, so I’ll give this one to you: The father spoils his daughter.
Now we have two very clear examples with the different particles they use. The subject of the verb 甘える is the person acting selfishly, and the target they hope will treat them lavishly is marked with に. And 甘やかす has the spoiler as the subject and the spoilee marked with を. Now all we have to do is get repetitions with these patterns over and and over again until they become second nature, and ta da, we’ve brute forced it.
Two additional notes:
One, the phrase お言葉に甘えて～します (Okotoba ni amaete ~ shimasu). I had somehow avoided learning (perhaps even hearing?) this phrase for nearly 20 years until finally encountering it last year. So I glossed over it at first, but it feels much easier now that we know the rules for 甘える. We also know that the 言葉 (kotoba, words) involved here are someone else’s, since they’re prefixed with the polite お. The words are also marked with に, so that is what we, the subject, are relying/depending on/taking at face value before doing something. Basically, this is a phrase that can be used to take someone up on an offer they’ve made. If they’ve offered to lend something (as in the example given in the dictionary above), just replace します with 借ります (karimasu, borrow).
Two, 甘える can be further complicated with the other forms, notably the imperative form. A command flips the equation. 甘えてください (amaete kudasai) is a good phrase to use as a consolation for a friend who’s struggling and needs support. They shouldn’t have to take care of everything themself. Just mark the person they should rely on with に. In this example from Twitter, the writer suggests finding 頼れる人 (tayoreru hito, someone you can depend on):
In the end, Doraemon might be the easiest way to remember this word. のび太くんはいつもドラえもんに甘えてばかりです (Nobita-kun wa itsumo Doraemon ni amaete bakari desu, Nobita-kun is always overeliant on/spoiled by Doraemon).
いろいろ
I ordered a bunch of Murakami novels for cheap on Mercari, and the universe told me what it thinks of his writing.
I went to see bunraku (puppet theater) for the first time. Worth a visit if you’re passing through Osaka! You can rent an audio guide that provides background about what’s happening during the play (in modern Japanese). There are also Japanese subtitles for the lines being sung displayed on a screen above the stage.
As has become tradition, I have a Twitter thread of the J Drama I’m watching this season. So far I’m really enjoying 忍者に結婚は難しい (Marriage is Difficult for Ninjas). Click on this tweet and check out my replies below it for a few other recommendations.
Hope 2023 is going well for you all. 今年もよろしくお願いします！
